Living at Peace

This picture of the bridal veil falls at Niagra, taken on a family vacation, helps me keep relationships in focus.  
A relationship can be like water peacefully rolling along until it falls off a cliff and bashes around on some rocks, 
settling back in to peace as the mist clears.

I hate conflict.  I have always hated conflict.  For me, the fastest way to high stress is conflict.  I’m not kidding.  I spent weeks preparing for a presentation and had dramatically less anxiety and stress than what is created with one disapproval from or disagreement with another person. 

Someone who is reading this is thinking, “Um, but you create conflict.”  Yes.  Sometimes, that is true.  Sometimes I create conflict just because I am a sinful jerk who doesn’t handle situations very well and sometimes I create conflict because doing so will lead to peace.

I remember some times when I was a teenager where two people would be arguing.  The arguing would not stop because neither person could walk away without having the last word.  When my anxiety reached a certain point, I would say something which would lead both parties to yell at me, and then the argument would cease.  It became a tactic for me.  I didn’t want the anxiety so as soon as it became apparent that the argument would become an unceasing loop, I would step in and take the verbal lashing, just to make it stop.

I had a recurring dream about being in a war zone.  Specifically, I was on the front lines during a war and I was always looking for cover.  Usually one side was using tanks and the other was using bow-and-arrow.  Sometimes I would get to see this dream in various versions for most of a “full night” sleep. 

When I left for college, that dream stopped. I wondered about that for many years.  A counselor (aka therapist) eventually told me that it stopped because I was removed from the conflict.

Somewhere in the last 20 years of life, I read this passage:  Romans 12.  The discussion is largely how to live in relationship with other people.  In particular, verses 9 on to the end of the chapter got my attention, with verse 18 being the standout. 

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” (Romans 12:18 NASB)

This has really become one of the thoughts that drives how I think about structuring life.  Through much Bible reading; a mess of trial and error; and much hurt, I have come to these conclusions: 

1. It’s not really peace if a relationship appears to be peaceful on the outside but one party has an unspoken issue with the other.
2. Sometimes conflict is required to clear up whatever is in the way between two individuals.
3. I am responsible for promoting peace only as it is in my power. If I have been lovingly truthful with another person, I am not responsible for that person’s response.  If I have lovingly tried to clear the air, I have done what is in my power to promote peace.

After reading on trauma, taking parenting classes, reading about parenting well, and basically failing on having peace in my house, I came to the conclusion that I was not doing everything in my power to promote peace.  

I started praying.  My prayers were situation specific and went like this one, “Ok, God, I do not want the arguing about getting up in time for the school bus every single morning.  How do I promote peace?”  So, we went shopping for an alarm clock and I didn’t do any more of the waking up.  If a kid sleeps through an alarm and misses the bus, his two healthy feet will carry him the 1-2 miles (depending on where we lived) that it would take him to get there.  Make sure you’re not late because I am not excusing the tardy. 

The first couple times that the alarm was slept through, I had peace because everyone knew the expectation.  I may have been yelled at but because everyone knew the expectation, I could hold on to that structure and respond with, “Make wise choices today.  I know you need to head out.  I need to get ready for work.”  My work was not compromised which kept peace in my day and my kid got the benefit of exercise while learning independence skills. 

That worked so well that I tried it on other conflicts, both at home and outside of home, looking for pragmatic solutions to promote peace in relationships.  I have found a structure that works well for building peace.

• Respectfully approach the person for a conversation on the problem and why, specifically, it is a problem.  Have this conversation just between the two of us so that concern for embarrassment or gossip is minimized. 
• Own that I might be the problem. If so, ask the person for forgiveness and to kindly hold me accountable if I step in to the problem behavior. 
• Kindly ask for a behavior change in the other person, when needed.

I have been practicing this for many years now and I am still fairly terrified every time a situation comes up where I have to confront someone.  I typically wait longer than I should to have the conversation and my insides shake like maracas during a rumba.  So far the conversation has never been anything close to as horrible as I work it up in my head.  I have never lost a friend-worth-having over it.  There have definitely been times where someone was angry that I brought it up or needed space and time to process the conversation but somehow that always seems to get resolved.  Actually, the relationship is usually better because of it.

I have, however, lost more friends than I wish over not pursuing peace. It is a great sadness for me that those relationships are lost. 

This journey and the place it has me in now have been on my mind a lot lately.  I have been under pressure in multiple situations to abandon forthright honesty and to lower or change expectations and structure.  When the pressure comes, my anxiety ramps up.  When I evaluate whether to give in, my mind always goes back to the statement, “so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people”.  I think about the structure that requires each party to take responsibility for his or her own actions and whether I have allowed the space for that to happen.

In the situations lately, most of the time I am holding on to the structure and, despite irritation or disagreement from the other party, I find that I am at peace.  There is one where I struggle to allow the space for another to step up to responsibility.  And God has graciously placed in my life someone who is willing to call me out… as often as needed… to bring about peace.