Educating the Public on Adoption ... One Post at a Time

In every industry there is a lingo understood by those within the industry that sounds very foreign to those who are not in the industry. I often find myself explaining terms and concepts from the foster care and adoption worlds to those around me. (This is not to say that I know all the lingo – or even that I’ve remembered to post all I’ve learned - but these are some terms that come up often.)

The following is intended to help educate my readers on verbage, faux pas, and other items regarding adoption and adoptive families. Thanks to my friend Amanda at Adoption Alliance for assisting in providing much of the information for this post.

If there are other questions or phrases that come up that you do not recognize, please do not hesitate to ask.

Verbage

• Bio Kids - Biological children

• Legal Risk – A child(ren) whose existing parents are expected to have their parental rights legally terminated.

• Legally Free – A child(ren) who legally do not have parents.

• Finalization – The date/time when the adoption is legally finalized.

• Homestudy – Written report that explains who you [the adoptive family] are, why you're interested in adopting, why you would make a good adoptive home, and what type of children would be a good fit for your good home. It's part of the process of getting matched with kids and, at finalization, helps to explain to the judge why the adoption should be approved.

• Placement – The time when children are officially placed in a home as foster children.

• Post-placement Visits – Visits the caseworker will make to the adoptive family’s home on a monthly basis from child placement until finalization. This allows the caseworker to provide support to the family and children during the transitional time. A report is written about each visit and is part of the paperwork that goes to the judge at finalization.

• Family of Origin/Birth Family - The people who gave the child life and their family members. This can include mom, dad, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.

• Adoptive Family – The people who will become the legal family of a child when their birth family is no longer able to care for the child.

Faux Pas

• Please do not refer to biological children as a parent's "real" children or to an adopted child’s birth family as their “real” family. "Biological" and "adopted/adoptive" are better descriptors. The adoptive child is just as real as the biological child and the adoptive family is just as real as the birth family.

• Asking “How much did they cost”. Adoption is not buying a child. Fees are paid to cover expenses involved in the process. These fees may include court costs, training expenses (to cover the pay of the teacher and any materials, compensating caseworkers/social workers, etc). Some people may not be willing to answer specific questions regarding the costs associated with adoption. [I, however, have no such inhibitions. You may ask whatever it is that you wish to know on this topic. I know that several of my readers are contemplating adopting and that this would be relevant information. Please be discreet enough to refrain from asking in a public forum.]

Other

• Some people want to know “When do the children become yours?” From an emotional standpoint, they are already mine even though I haven’t even met them. Amanda says that they are mine from the moment I agree to adopt them. Colorado law requires that the children are placed in my home at least 6 months before finalization can occur. I am working with a county that requires a minimum of 12 months placement prior to finalization. There are often delays associated with finalization and those delays do not cast fault or blame on any individual or organization. Just as there are delays in processes at an individual’s work, delays can occur in this process.

• Children who are adopted out of foster care often remember, and sometimes still interact with, their biological families. They may remember or interact with a biological parent. Therefore, they may not want to call their adoptive parents "mom" and "dad". It is not uncommon for adoptive families to agree that the adoptive "mom" and "dad" will be called by other names.

• When you interact with the children, adoptive parents/family, or anyone else, do not make disparaging remarks about individuals in their birth family (such as, “your mother must have been really awful”). If a child brings up a difficulty from their past, it is more appropriate to express sympathy or compassion than to agree with him. For instance, if the child says, “my dad did [x,y,z] and I thought it was terrible”, please don’t respond with “I agree” but rather with “I am sorry to hear that you’ve gone through these hard times.”

• Amanda suggests a very kind way of stating this: Their birth family are not bad people, but they are people who made bad decisions. We have all made decisions for which we have to be accountable and the same is true for my child(ren)'s birth parents. They did not lose their children but rather had help in providing a better home and better life than they were capable of providing.

• As I’ve learned in numerous classes during this process, the social workers assigned to each child(ren) from a birth family work diligently to provide resources for parents who are having difficulty with the parenting process. They often work with judges, school officials, counselors/therapists, and other individuals and organizations to provide both parents and children with the tools to interact in a healthy manner. Sometimes parents choose not to participate in the plans that are set up or to work on achieving the goals that are set. The team of people that each county supports who encourage and work with the families have a goal of reuniting a child(ren) with their birth family. It is only after a process of time (usually years) and much work in trying to assist a family that the individuals involved in caring for the child and working with the family will decide to begin process of petitioning the court terminate parental rights.

• How do children end up in the foster system? Either a parent gives them up for one reason or another, parent’s pass away and no one in the family is available to care for the child(ren), or parental rights are terminated via the process briefly described above.

• Children adopted from foster care have often been through situations that children growing up in a loving home will never experience. This may mean that they are behind in school or have some behaviors that may be considered unusual. The adoptive parents will usually be aware of these things and may, as a result, use unusual parenting techniques with the children. They will also often protect the children by not sharing with you specifics of the child’s past situation. Please honor adoptive parents by supporting their parenting and desire to protect the child. The parent will have the best interest of the child in mind. It’s ok to ask if there is a reason why particular methods are used but please refrain from passing judgment and gossip if reasons are not shared. These methods are often worked out with social workers and other professionals and are tailored to the needs of the individual child.