Control and Pride

Those who have known me for a long time know that I like to be in control of situations. Or at least, I used to have that preference.

I was recently talking to someone about how much I am able to allow people to be in charge of their own things now without interfering. People who knew me in college are reading this in total shock. Some of the people who have worked with me in the last 15 years are questioning the validity of the first sentence in this paragraph.

This is an area that God convicted me in some years ago. Control. It really means that I didn’t allow people to be responsible for and creative in their areas of responsibility. It also meant that I was stressed out a lot. And the overall perception of me was that of an overbearing mom-figure.

So, I thought that I had come so far in this area. And really, there has been a lot of growth. I have learned that I really enjoy allowing other people to handle many areas of responsibility that I used to "own" and I don't miss being responsible for those things at all. However, recently, between not knowing whether I will end up working for the company I most recently interviewed with, stuff where I am working now, and situations occurring in ministry, I find that I still want to be in control of some areas where I need not to be in control. It is really ok if that thing is not set up exactly as I would have set it up. Really, it’s ok.

And what I’ve been learning lately is that such a need for control stems from some sort of pride issue. This is not pride in the sense that I like a job well done and take pride in my work. This is pride in the sense that on some level I think I can do this job better than every one else, or at least better than the other person who might be available to do the work and therefore I am not even going to give him/her an opportunity to try.

This attitude carries with it certain inherent problems: 1) it usually leads to my treating another person with condescension; 2) it denies another individual to use his/her talents, to build or demonstrate skill proficiency, and/or to be creative; 3) it communicates to another person that I do not value him/her; 4) it causes me to take on too much and thereby end up stressed; 5) it usually leads to poor handling of stressful situations; 6) it often leads to inappropriate speech on my part (via discussions with others or the way I treat the individual in question); and 7) it usually ends up leading to some sort of situation wherein I am humbled by force.

Proverbs 16 teaches a truth that I seem to have trouble learning all the way through. It seems as if I must learn this over and over and over. Much, it seems, I still have to learn on this issue.

Selected verses from Proverbs 16:

1 To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.

2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD.

3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.

5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart.
Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.

6 Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;
through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.

7 When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

8 Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

11 Honest scales and balances are from the LORD;
all the weights in the bag are of his making.

12 Kings detest wrongdoing,
for a throne is established through righteousness.

13 Kings take pleasure in honest lips;
they value a man who speaks the truth.

16 How much better to get wisdom than gold,
to choose understanding rather than silver!

17 The highway of the upright avoids evil;
he who guards his way guards his life.

18 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.

19 Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed
than to share plunder with the proud.

20 Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.

21 The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction.

22 Understanding is a fountain of life to those who have it,
but folly brings punishment to fools.

23 A wise man's heart guides his mouth,
and his lips promote instruction.

24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

25 There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death.

32 Better a patient man than a warrior,
a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.