Pondering Pride and Grace

Those who have known me for a long time will tell you that I always have to be in control of pretty much any situation. It’s not a good way to live life. This kind of attitude doesn’t just lead to stress, it creates stress, and not just for the person who is controlling.

This is an area of my life where God started working on me when I was in college. I had some great roommates who showed me grace (on a pretty regular basis, I would imagine). I’m a slow learner. I can look back over the last 13 years and see how, in succession, God has brought people into my life to teach me to live life in and interact with other people using grace.

Maybe somewhere around 3-4 years ago, some of it started to sink in. I’ve begun to realize that control issues usually result from a pride issue. And, it turns out, control is different from structure. I used to think of them as somewhat synonymous.

It is characteristic of people who have been in abusive situations to have a need/desire to be in control because so much of life has been out of control for them. When the need for control takes over most or every situation, is it then a pride issue because the individual is not trusting God to handle a situation (“I can do it myself”)?

My experience is that when I am operating as one who needs to be in control, I have almost no patience with anyone or any situation.

So, the things I have been learning (and re-learning and re-learning) through situations in my life are well stated in these Proverbs:

Proverbs 11:2 (NIV) “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”

Proverbs 13:10 (NIV) “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

Proverbs 18:16-20 (NIV) “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud. Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.”

Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 (NIV) “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”

Some situations have come up lately wherein I have had no trouble not being in control of a situation. And, even, when things get messed up, I’ve been able to say, “That’s ok. We’ll just go from here.” without becoming angry or impatient. (Not to say that I have “arrived” in the sense of always showing grace to the people around me or in not controlling a situation…. Just seeing some improvement.)

However, when someone else reacts to mistakes or with impatience, I get wound up. I have attributed this reaction to me not controlling the situation and getting upset that someone else is.

In the course of a conversation I was having today, I began to realize that maybe this wind-up reaction is because, as I have been treated with so much mercy, grace, and forgiveness by God and people around me, that I am (slowly) learning to live this way, too, and am beginning to find it frustrating when someone else hasn’t experienced God and people in this way.

So, maybe, I need to learn (again) to have patience with people and to try to treat with grace those who do not treat me in this manner. And, probably, I also need to begin to see myself as the person God is making me to be and not just the person I was previously.