Milestones and Mended Windshields

This is story about my son finishing something that has been really hard for him.  The beginning was written April 20, 2010 which is when the whole thing started.  It is a recent experience for him to not run away from finishing a big job.

April 20, 2010
This morning after I picked my son up at Sunday School, I excused myself to use the restroom.  A couple different people stopped me to ask questions.  He came looking for me because he didn't feel that I returned to the auditorium soon enough.  Then, after service we went to walk back to the parking lot, which is a couple blocks away.  It is very rare that I will take the shuttle back to the parking lot.  It's not far and it was a nice day.  He immediately started being disrespectful and yelling at me when we started out the direction to walk.  We stepped into a side room for quiet so that he could settle down.  He kept yelling at me about how if his shoes got dirty, it would be my fault.  He got new shoes last night.  I told him that the function of shoes is for walking and if they get dirty, it's just part of what happens to shoes.

Stepping in to that room did help a little.  He started to settle down a bit.  Then as we exited the church to head down the street, he started in again.  Since he couldn't seem to handle interacting with just me, I didn't feel it was appropriate to take him out to the lunch I had planned with some other people so I called and backed us out of that.  At this he became more irate.  He actually came up behind me and hit me with his Bible a few times.  I ended up sitting down on the sidewalk because I was not going to get in the car with him while he was being violent.  He got mad about that action and beat the Bible on the concrete a few times and then screamed at me that it was my fault he messed up his Bible.  When he finally started to settle down a little, he started asking if we could go.  I asked if he was going to hit me anymore because I wasn't going to get in the car with him if he was going to hit me.  He said no and then as we got up off the sidewalk, he started yelling at me again.

At this point, one of the men from the church was walking by and asked me how old my son is.  He then asked my son if he could talk to him a moment and the kid pretty much stormed off.  I asked the man to just let him go.  Kid went over to the car, about halfway down the parking lot.  The man proceeded to explain that he is one of the troop leaders for Boy Scouts and they'd really like my son to get involved.  He also called me tonight to let me know that they've had other boys who were in similar situations.

We walked over to the car and he introduced himself to my son and invited him to Scouts.  My kid wants to go and I think it will be good for him to be involved with men who are positive influences.  So, this week he will start going to Boy Scouts.

After the man and his wife left, my kid was still angry.  He hit the car windshield with his fist.  Then, a minute later, he threw his Bible at it.  As soon as the Bible hit, the window broke.  That seemed to scare him pretty bad and he started crying and de-escalated.  I told him that we were going to have to talk about payment for the windshield.

By the time we got home, he was settled down.




Consequences
As soon as the Bible hit the windshield, the windshield cracked all the way up and down.  It freaked him out pretty good when it happened.  Within a week the crack was clear across to the driver's side.

I told him that he was going to have to work off half the cost which is about $130.  And then I left the windshield cracked for about 6-8 weeks so that he would have to look at it and be reminded about the consequences of behavior.

He also had to stand outside in the high heat and watch the glass replacement technician replace the windshield. 


Result
He's been doing extra chores all summer to work off that $130. For him it's been pretty grueling. He's not a big fan of the chores I assign (unless they deal with car maintenance and repair). Which is, in part, the point.  But in the process he's also learning new skills, learning to do things well, and to be respectful while doing them.

Chores have involved shredding an enormous amount of paper, cleaning out grandma’s storage unit (the previous owners left a lot of junk), learning to check and add oil on the car, cleaning the toilet on a couple of occasions, cleaning windows (inside and out), sweeping the deck, cleaning the bathroom mirrors and counter, sweeping and mopping the floor, and making cookies for his lunches (with no help).

He’s also contributed what allowance he did receive toward the cause.

This morning I told him that if he did all the chores on today's list (13 in all), that it would be paid off AND if he did all those chores without whining and complaining, I'd drop a day off of his current grounding. 

In addition to that, he really loves Boy Scouts.  But he doesn’t have the uniform yet because he hasn’t paid for the windshield.  He knows that he can’t earn money toward any Boy Scout items until his debt is paid.  Last week, one of the older boys asked him to try on the uniform that he is out growing.  It fits my kid.  When the other boy has his patches transferred to his new uniform, he’s going to give my son the old uniform.  It has been explained to me that there is a tradition of passing the shirts down to a younger boy in the troop.  My son is SO excited.

Somehow that gift has been a partial motivator to get his work done.  He wants to be able to earn the money to get his patches and other Boy Scout items.

Today, he's worked about 5.5 hours with only a few short breaks and twice that he excused himself from the room because he was frustrated. 

He met three goals today.  Not only did he pay off his windshield debt, he also earned a day off of being grounded.  On top of all of that, today is the very first time he has ever been proactive about managing his anger/temper/frustration.

And he did that last thing twice in the course of the afternoon.  The first time he did fly off the handle a little bit verbally, announcing, “I’m just going to go to my stupid room.”  I could hear him in his room utilizing some of the anger release techniques that he has been learning from the therapist and our family support worker.  He came out about 10 minutes later, calm a can be and said, “Sorry, I just had to excuse myself for a while.”

The second time he got frustrated, he started to wind a little and I said, “If you need to take a break, go ahead.”  He said, “I think I will” and was completely respectful about saying it.  When he came out of his room this time, he said, “Thanks for the suggestion.  I needed that.”

If I had any way to thank all the people who have contributed to him growing to the point of being able to start being proactive about managing his anger, I’d do it.  But the fact of the matter is that he’s had a ton of encouragement from a very large number of people.  Many have helped him to think through better methods of dealing with frustration and stress.  Even more people have been praying for him to come to a point of wanting to make the change.  And somehow very recently, he’s suddenly decided to start utilizing the tools.

I’m not saying it’s going to be all roses from here on out.  That certainly won’t be the case.  But today he reached a couple milestones.  And for that, I am exceedingly grateful.