Attitude Adjustment

On Monday, December 20, I told you that my son was having some trouble with his attitude.


On Tuesday, December 21, we went to karate. Each week he has to turn in a sheet where he has been essentially graded on his daily attitude and follow through. Sensei sat him down after class on Tuesday and said, “I looked over the discipline sheet you turned in last week. You had 4 P’s [meaning ‘poor’] for respect at home. Home is the most important place to have respect and you need to be treating your Mom with respect. Do you understand?”

My son acknowledged this and his Sensei continued, “Karate is not just about learning the forms. It’s also about respect in every area. If you can’t handle being respectful, I’ll pull you off of the pre-test list for next week.”

I’m fairly certain that my son has never had a man communicate high standards and then follow through with consequences for not meeting the standards before.

When we left the dojo, my son first had one of his emotional outbursts in which I am always the bad guy. When this happens, he needs to take a break from being with people so that he can calm down and start thinking straight. Often it helps him to burn off a little energy.

So, I pulled the car over and told him that he could walk up to the next street (less than 1/4 mile) in order to take a break. He slammed the door, still screaming at me, and informed me that joining my family was the biggest mistake he ever made.

I drove on up to the next street and pulled off the main road, keeping an eye on him. When he got to the car, he still wasn’t settled down. He demanded to know why I was sitting there waiting for him. He still doesn’t get that I’m not going to just run off and leave him like so many have done in the past.

He paced around a while and finally calmed down and started to get in the car. I calmly said, “You’ll need to practice closing the car door properly 15 times before you get in.” [He knows the consequence for door slamming is practicing proper closing of the door. Each time we have to go through it again, 5 more repetitions are added to the mix.]

He refused and started down the block again. I sat there in my nice warm car. Pretty soon he came back, paced around a bit, and started opening and closing the door, counting.

He got in the car and we started home again. He informed me that he wasn’t going back to karate. I said, “I know it’s kind of scary that someone is holding you accountable for your actions. Do you really want to give up over that?”

“Yes!”

“No. This is one time when you need to face it. If you run away every time something is hard, you’ll be running your whole life. Besides, you made a one year commitment and it’s coming out of my bank account. You’re going to karate on Thursday.”

He spouted off a bit more. My jaw was still set from the initial interaction. He was quiet a while and then said, “Are you mad?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m mad.”

He cried a while and demanded that I let him out of the car so that he could walk home. I was merging on to the highway and we were nowhere near home. I ignored him and he cried and demanded some more. Once we were on the highway, he cried for a bit and then got quiet.

After a while, he said, “Mom, can I ask why you are mad?”

I told him that it was a slap in the face to me, after everything I’ve done, to tell me that he made a mistake choosing to be my son and that I knew that this statement was a lie. He sobbingly apologized. This is his usual pattern when he’s trying to absolve disrespectful behavior. He thinks it will let him out of any consequences of said behavior.

I’ve been working with him on being truthful even if you are mad. So, I said, “Well, I realize that you know it is a lie. So, I expect that when we get home, you will sit down and write me a letter of apology.”

Instantly all tears were gone. “No. I’m not doing that.”

I didn’t respond. After a couple minutes he said, “Mom, can I have a hug?” Again, part of his pattern. He thinks if he gets a hug, then everything is resolved and there will be no consequences.

I was turning a corner as I said, “You can’t just get a hug and think this is over. First of all, I can’t hug you because I’m driving and secondly, that doesn’t fix your words.”

He was not happy with me.

However, when we got home, he took the dog out without being told and then when he brought her in, he didn’t say a word. He just got a piece of paper and a pencil and sat down to write me a letter. Afterward, I gave him a hug.

That talk with Sensei and then the outburst seem to have been a turning point for my son. He’s been checking himself before speaking more often, treating people with respect, and taking initiative to complete his daily routines without being coached through every single step (though he wouldn’t be a kid if he didn’t need to be reminded once in a while). He’s pretty excited that he’s discovered that it IS possible to treat people with respect.

When he moved in in February, we had multiple hours per day of fear based angry outbursts and fits. Today we have 10 minutes or less of angry disrespect and he has been known to go one or two full days with no disrespect. Those 10 minutes always turn out to be fear based when we are able to drill down to what is going on in his mind. What a difference a year of stability can make.