Surrender

Today we visited the same church as last week.  The pastor talked about Joseph and how he had to surrender everything in his life in order to marry Mary and raise Jesus.  To honor and obey God, he surrendered his reputation, his business, his sleep, his comfort, his friends, and his home.  Although he lost much materially, his willingness to surrender to God made him instrumental in allowing Jesus to grow and minister.

We were challenged to consider what it is that we need to surrender.  There was something that was on my mind the entire sermon, actually.  I’m working through that with God.

When I went to pick my son up from the children’s class, the director met me outside and told me that they have been working on the Children’s Christmas Program and that my child has now committed to memorizing a verse from Scripture to recite before the church during both services next week... that is, if we’ll be there.

I told her that we will be there but that I was concerned about him making this commitment because he lies to me regularly and typically refuses to do the work it takes to follow through on a commitment.  He came out of the class and I asked him point blank what the consequence should be if he didn’t follow through.  My stress level was high.  I am tired of the lies and always feel like I have to protect other people from them.

Kid got really upset that I wouldn’t believe him.  I explained why I didn’t believe him.  He informed me that he wasn’t going home with me; that he is miserable; and “why doesn’t anyone ever believe me?”.  We walked up the stairs and out the door.  I held the door open for him.  He rudely told me that he didn’t want me to hold the door open for him as he walked through it.  Then he proceeded to throw his brand new Bible on the concrete and yell that he is miserable some more.

I walked to the car and ignored the fit.  He followed me and yelled that I shouldn’t unlock the door because he wasn’t going home with me.  I unlocked his door and went around to my own.  He got in, put on his seatbelt and announced that he was going to starve himself.  I asked if he really planned on skipping a meal.  He said, “YES!” 

I said, “OK.” 

And he suddenly realized what he had just said.  “Does that mean I can’t have lunch?” 

“That’s correct.” 

“I didn’t mean it.  Please, I want lunch.” 

“No.  You said that you don’t want lunch so I will honor that statement and you can go without eating lunch.”

The car was in motion.  He undid his seatbelt, announced that he was walking home, and demanded that I stop the car.  I sped up and merged on to the next street while he caterwauled about me needing to stop the car.  At the stop sign, he just sat there so I told him to put on his seat belt.  He said, “NO!”  So, I just sat there.  I adjusted the rear-view mirror and looked in it a couple times as if there were people behind us waiting.  (There was no one behind us.)  There’s not a passenger side mirror on the car so he couldn’t verify other traffic without turning around and he clearly didn’t want me to see him checking.  He put on his seat belt.  At the next corner, we stopped at the light in order to turn. 

He started crying and apologized to me for his behavior.  It was a really sweet display of repentance.  He asked for forgiveness.  I said, “Son, I will absolutely forgive you.  That is done.  But it does not remove the consequences of your statements or behavior.”

“Does that mean I can’t have lunch?!” 

“That’s correct.”  He started to have another fit.

When we got home, he took the dog out to potty and I came in to do dishes.  When he came in, he was much calmer.  He sat on the floor in the dining room for quite a while.  I was praying about what to do about his commitment.  And it seemed like God was saying that perhaps I need to surrender my kid to Him, too.  In protecting other people from the lies and failed commitments, I am not allowing my child to learn the importance of following through.

So, I looked at my kid and said, “Here’s the deal.  You made this commitment to memorize the verse.  This is 100% your responsibility.  I will not remind you to get it done.  I will check with you half way through the week and if you don’t have it done, I’m calling the lady and telling her that you are not following through.  You can be the one with egg on your face.”  (Then I had to explain what the “egg on your face” phrase means.)  He sat and contemplated for a very long time and then asked for a hug.

By the hug, I was sitting in the living room.  He sat down on one of the couches and didn’t speak.

I told him that there was one phrase that he says regularly that we need to talk about.  He said, “You mean why I’m not going to eat?” 

“Nope.  Everyone can handle skipping a meal once in a while.  I’m not concerned about that.”  He seemed surprised.  “What I’m talking about is the phrase ‘no one ever believes me’.  Why don’t people believe you?”

“Because I lie.”

“Is trust granted?”

“I don’t know.”

“No.  Trust is not granted.  It is earned.  How do you earn it?”

“I don’t know.”

“You earn it by telling the truth and following through on your commitments.  And I will continue to not trust you until you begin to tell the truth and follow through.”

He remained pensive. 

It seems that we are daily having conversations about not lying.  I’ve tried every tactic people have given except for lying to him myself.  I can’t bring myself to do that one because all it will take is one time of me lying, even if it is to prove a point, to give him fuel to say that the behavior must be ok because I did it.  I know this kid.

I’m exhausted with the fight and I have to keep on going.  I now surrender this kid and his lying problem to God.  If he makes a commitment and doesn’t follow through, it’s not my problem.  If he lies to another adult, he’ll have to face their consequences.  (For those who read this who interact with my kid, this means that you absolutely have permission to render consequences when he lies.)